Ask Yesenia: Power of Setting Limits
- Yesenia Gomez-Carrillo
- Oct 3
- 4 min read
Parents naturally want to make their kids happy—we love them so much, it's natural to want to give them the world. But balancing that desire with the need to set clear, consistent boundaries isn’t always easy. I know for myself, I often wonder: are we being too soft? Too strict? Finding that “just right” middle ground can be a real challenge.
This monthly article provides tips for anyone raising children, based on the world-renowned Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have question or idea for a future column, please email me at triplep@first5scc.org.
Dear Yesenia,
I’m a mother to two boys, ages 4 and 7. I try to be consistent with the rules and expectations for my sons, but lately I feel like I may be too strict of a parent. My boys tell me their friends get treats in their lunches, go to bed late, have sleepovers on weeknights and get to play video games whenever they want. My oldest even says he has friends who have their own TVs in their bedrooms! While I think my kids may be exaggerating a bit, other parents I talk to have more lax rules. Are mine unreasonable? - Gloria
Dear Gloria,
A big part of parenting involves setting limits for children, and it sounds like you’re doing a good job. Setting limits is an important part of parenting, even if it’s not always easy or popular. Clear boundaries help kids understand what’s expected and support their well-being. The key is finding rules that feel fair to both you and your kids. Here are a few tips:
Involve your children in discussing the family rules. When children are younger, the responsibility for setting family rules falls primarily on the parent. As children get older, it can be helpful to involve them in the discussion so they understand the reasons for the limits and can share their ideas about what is fair and reasonable. There may also be times when you have different rules or limits for your children, such as a later bedtime for your older child, or fewer chores for your younger child. Involving them in the discussion can help them understand that rules can be different for each of them and still be fair.
Start with a few simple family rules or limits. Rules or limits are most effective when there are a few of them, they are simple, and they focus on what you want your children to do (versus not do). This makes it easier for both you and your children to remember the limits, which increases their chances of success in following them. For example, instead of saying “No sleepovers on weeknights,” try saying, “Friends can sleep over on weekends.”
Decide what limits can be flexible. Some families have rules or limits that are non-negotiable, based on their values about promoting their children’s health, safety, etc. Oftentimes, families also identify rules or limits that are more flexible. You might decide that certain limits are non-negotiable in your family, such as “Finish homework before watching TV,” or “Sweet treats can only be eaten at one meal per day.” As you set firm limits, you might also consider whether certain rules can be more flexible, such as “Eat healthy foods for lunch every day, then pick a treat for lunch on Friday.” This gives your children something to look forward to while still teaching them to respect the limits you have set.
Continue to talk with other parents and adults you trust. As your children get older, the need for and types of rules or limits you have will change. It’s great to talk with other parents – it helps you let your children know that different families can have different rules. It can also help you decide when and how to modify your family rules as each child gets older. You might also find it helpful to talk to a pediatrician, a pastor, teacher, other friends or family members whose children have already grown up. You are likely to get a range of opinions about what’s considered fair, reasonable and age-appropriate for your children. If it starts to get overwhelming, just think of it as gathering information to help you decide what feels right for your family.
Final Thoughts: Setting (and sticking to) limits can be one of the hardest – and most important – parts of parenting. Establishing reasonable rules and teaching children to follow them will help keep them safe and healthy in the long run. Although they may not appreciate it now, they will thank you someday…when they are raising their own children.
Yesenia Gomez-Carrillo is the mother of a 3-year-old daughter and the Triple P Program Manager for First 5 Santa Cruz County. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency, and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. To find a Triple P parenting class or practitioner, visit http://triplep.first5scc.org, http://www.facebook.com/triplepscc, or contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.
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